I do marriage counseling, but I find myself doing more divorce counseling than marriage counseling. I was not aware of divorce counseling as a field of practice until I recognized how often I do divorce counseling and began doing research on it. I sometimes find the primary goal of clients is moving on and preparing to move on before, during and after divorce. Sometimes the client is preparing for a divorce and sometimes it is for the partner who does not want a divorce and is shocked when faced with it. While doing a search on divorce counseling I have noticed that most dedicated marriage counselors do divorce counseling. I have not seen training for it like I have marriage counseling, but I find the issues of divorce counseling are the same relationship and trust issues that most clients deal with.
Divorce is a major life event whether you are the one asking for the divorce or the one being forced into divorce. It changes those things that are most important to us. Most areas of a persona life is impacted. Relationships with children usually have the greatest impact and the factor that weighs most when contemplating divorce. Divorce without children is much less complicated.
Clients learn to cope with life and conflict based upon what life was like in the home when they were young. Protecting the children from the negative energy in a home filled with conflict, anger, addiction, or yelling will have a life long impact. Divorce is sometimes preferable for the children over staying in an unhealthy marriage where constant stress and negative energy overwhelms the household. I often have to process with clients their response to people having a loud voice where their typical childhood learned response is to shut down.
Unfortunately, finances are a major factor in the decision to get a divorce and a very significant stressor no matter how much money is involved. It is costly to get a divorce, where an attorney is almost always recommended, and duplicate living expenses are necessary. The unknown is always child custody. Even when a partner has a predisposition and history of maladaptive behavior one never knows what a family court will do in regards to custody.
Much of the work in counseling for someone around divorce issues is creating better boundaries and decision making, while dealing with overwhelming emotions. It is often necessary to address attachment issues. The loss of what what may have been or of what was experienced early in the marriage can be overwhelming. Grieving the loss of that trust and commitment can make it difficult to see a path forward. Grieving the loss of someone who is still living may seem more difficult than the loss of a partner who has died because of the continued hope that the relationship can be renewed. After someone gets past the divorce the fear of committing to a new relationship may be met with trepidation where one questions their ability to trust others.
Divorce is a regular occurrence in our society and brings many clients to therapy that otherwise would not have considered doing so. It gives them the opportunity to find a path forward that they might not have imagined after the shock and stress of change is dealt with.